Friday, February 25, 2005

Blogger Deadbeat

I have not blogged nearly as much as I would like to lately. Exam in A&P, two quizzes in Pharmacology, another exam coming up for Nutrition, then another in A&P and Pharm again, etcetera, etcetera.... very, very busy. Barely keeping up but getting there. I keep reminding myself that nobody said it would be easy.

A good friend said my picture of Jerry was disturbing. Had to think about it, but that time was disturbing. If the picture communicates that then I think maybe that is ok. It was taken three months before his death. I think he looks wistful, maybe a little sad, but at peace with his fate. The weekend I took the picture he was more lucid than he had been in several weeks. We went to Key West. We had some great talks. Anyone who has dealt with someone they love with dementia knows how fleeting and precious those moments of lucidity can be. It was the last time I saw him when he was mostly "himself". No, thats not quite right. He was always essentially "himself". Even when the brain tumor put him in diapers and robbed him of his mind bit by bit. He was always there, somehow. Communicating was just harder. Some moments were good some bad. No thats wrong too. Not bad exactly. He was still here and I could still comfort him and be with him. I guess it's selfish but that is better to me than him being gone. So, yeah, the picture is disturbing. But not nearly as fucking disturbing as the fact that I will never hug him again. Shit. That sucks. It just sucks.

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